A sexologist's guide to great sex at every stage of your relationship

Jessica O’Reilly has a sex guide for different stages of your relationship.


Newly-Met (0-3 months)

Do less. Talk more. We tend to rush into action and don’t spend enough time talking about our needs, desire and boundaries with new partners. Take your time. The sex won’t disappear!
-Show your partner what you like. Use your hands and words to guide them. There is no sense in wasting time doing things that don’t feel pleasurable. And you don’t want to get into the habit of faking it.


Honeymoon Phase (3-18 months)

This is the sweet spot for many couples. The relationship is new enough to maintain its sheen (read: mystery & novelty), but you’ve had time to develop comfort and connection. I suggest that couples who have been dating three months start to have more intimate conversations about what they like sexually. Challenge your lover to push their comfort zone and take this opportunity to share your unique interests — no matter how edgy they may be.
Try new things together (sex outdoors or in a bathroom), experiment with new positions and techniques and take calculated risks so that you have edgy memories to draw upon once the comfort phase sets in. 

Just Moved In (18-36 months)

Have the important discussions now before the limerence phase fades. Ask about the three Fs: feelings, fantasy & frequency and have intense conversations. This is the phase in which sexual frequency is likely to decline and familiarity and comfort set in.
To keep the spark alive, expand your sexual horizons together with literary porn, toys, books, quickies, sex outside of the bedroom and dirty talk. 

New Parents

Don’t stress about sex! 
In many cases, new parents opt to take a break from sex (especially intercourse) due to hormonal shifts, sleepless nights and challenges with regard to body image and mood. It’s no big deal! The sex will still be there when you’re back in the mood. However, you do want to ensure two elements in the meantime:
1. Talk about it. Don’t let sex be the elephant in the room. Explain why you’re not in the mood (or why you are - some new parents want more sex!), so that your partner doesn’t assume the worst and can constructively manage feelings of rejection. 
2. Stay close in other ways. Sleep naked. Snuggle. Kiss. Hug. Get a sitter and head out on the town (or Netflix and chill — and actually chill). Don’t let the lack of sex drive a wedge between the two of you. 
Also note that sex doesn’t have to involve intercourse. Get creative with your hands, lips, lube and toys!

15+ Years

Focus on quality over quantity. 
You already know what your partner likes, so you’ve likely fallen into a routine. This can be positive, as you are familiar with their physical and emotional responses related to sex. However, familiarity can also hinder growth (which you need for a happy relationship!), as you tend to resort to your go-tos and limit experimentation. Since you’re more likely to be in the prime of your life, now is the time to take advantage of your confidence and connection. Try new things in and out of the bedroom. Take a workshop or a webinar to expand your repertoire. Take your time and consider meditation, sensate focus and even tantra. You don’t have to love it all - you just have to keep the conversation going.