How to break the cycle of sibling rivalry
Siblings fighting over remote control at home, brother and sister have quarrel, copy space
Relationships with your siblings are some of the very first you will have and can follow through you to adulthood. Family therapist Joe Rich breaks down what you need to know about them.
What is sibling rivalry?
The definition of sibling rivalry is two or more children. Many are surprised by the realizations that for those with siblings, the sibling relationship is often the longest standing relationship they have –and will have- in their life. This makes it quite significant and at times challenging when people are stuck in the positions established early on in their lives..
How does it happen?
Some of the things that lock us into these long- term patterns range from the way in which we are parented to the circumstance we face along the journey of our early lives. Some examples are
- Parents who compare their children on a regular basis.
- Parents who define their children as types and play favourites.
- Birth circumstance – for example twins, triplets and how that locks us into a certain position, competition or series of comparisons
How do we break it?
It is actually quite easy to look at a sibling’s life or your own and build a case for your negative thoughts or old stories. Here’s some suggestions:
- What is my “adult lens” based on? Do I really spend enough time with a sibling or siblings to counter these thoughts? Is this about what was – when we lived together and not what is as we move apart. Time to spend some adult time together?
- Look at your sibling’s life around them – not in the family. We saw them as “difficult” and I was the “easy one” and yet they have all these friends, a staff who like them, and a successful career. Hmm, what will a second look teach me?
What will you gain?
The sibling relationship tends to continue in our lives and breaking free and creating a new and more powerful adult relationship means new ways to face what the next steps will bring.
Holding on and letting go
Holding on to what we have in the family as we grow up can feel safe, or right, or comfortable. Maybe time to confront and make some changes – the sibling you know may turn out to be the adult you don’t – with some surprises good and bad ahead. You’ve grown up and so have they!
