For many couples getting married is an exciting time. Part of the pre marital process is getting to know your partner while building a relationship where you talk about the big stuff. What each of you thinks today will change over time, but being able to talk about these issues should never change - so starting now is a really good idea! Here’s a place to begin – one topic at a time. At some point you may think “i don’t want to know” or “i’m afraid to ask or tell”. Remember, we’re building skills for our future, skills to discuss important things – “not asking” or “not telling” is not a great start. Brave up and get to know each other as well as you can, and enjoy the process! Try answering these questions or, better yet, asking each other!
Which are you better at – spending or saving?
Which debt do you find tolerable and why? (don’t forget to say which of these debts you currently have):
Owing parents and family and friends?
What will i find out about your family of origin and how they manage money as we grow together in creating our own family?
What are some of your expectations for our life together (so that we can discuss and to avoid disappointments)?
Do you like to share feelings and talk about feelings? If you are not sure, are you prepared to learn how to?
What would you say is a time we have already shared a “feeling” experience?
Which would you like to do when we say good bye in the morning? (kiss, shake hands or wave good bye?)
When you have a conflict with someone do you manage conflict by;
Staying to talk?
Walking away ?
Sitting and listening?
How good are you at apologizing?
Say a few words about forgiving others?
What do you consider to be non-negotiable for you in marriage?
What are your thoughts on monogamy?
Are you concerned about our sexual health? (including are we clear of any sexually transmitted diseases?)
How would you define the way you see yourself physically including issues you think you may have in this area (weight, etc)?
What are your sexual preferences? (i.E. Lights on? Off? Morning? Evening? Etc.)
What are your thoughts about having children? Have you dreamed about this?
How would you like to handle having children if we have problems conceiving? (ideas about infertility, birth defects, adoption)
What are your thoughts about changing names when you marry? Do you see this as a symbol of equality in relationships?
How would you like to organize (split) our finances and financial obligations?
How do you see each of us investing in one another’s careers?
What are your expectations about day to day of cleanliness, chores (make beds, clear kitchen sink of dishes, etc.)?
What are you pet peeves about living with someone?
Are there household activities that will be new for you when we move out together (laundry, wash dishes, shovel driveway, gardening, etc.)?
What do you consider to be signs of each of us having mutual respect for each other’s friends and friendships?
How do you feel about each of us having or maintaining friends of the opposite sex?
When we live together do you mind friends dropping in or would you want them to phone first or make a time to drop in on us?
Family of origin
In the family that you grew up in, what were the family’s attitudes about:
Tolerance of others and difference
How would you like to spend your leisure time? What would you like to share and what would you like to do on your own?
Are there leisure activities you would like to see us do together that are new?
How would you describe your faith to others?
What would you say are our similarities in this area?
What would you say are our differences in this area?
Do you see any future conflicts for us as a couple with regard to religion?
Are there organizations you would like to belong to or participate within on a regular basis?
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