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Adults Living at Home

Why are more adults living at home?

The Economy:
  • Jobs are harder to come by.
  • Real estate is incredible expensive.
Parents:
  • They “helicopter” and are more likely to be friends with their kids.
  • They are more engaged in their children’s lives and so both parties want/need to have each other around.
 
What advice do you have on adults living at home?
 
1. Review the pros and cons of adult living at home.
  • Does this make sense?
  • Pros:  Financial benefit; family time/safe space for child to explore.
  • Cons:  Could be constraining for parents and kids; potential tension.
2. Be clear on boundaries.
  • What does the arrangement look like?  (Because sparks can fly when boundaries aren’t clear on both sides.)
  • Are you a “kid living in family home”? Or “a boarder”.
  • Cleanliness of room.
  • Household chores
  • “Curfew”
  • Expectations around Sunday dinner with Aunt Phyllis.
  • Paying rent.
3. Agree on timing.
  • How long is this going to work for everyone?
  • Get out of arrangement before it becomes toxic.
  • Don’t have it be an unclear period of time.
  • Rather, set it for 6 months for example, then check in and consider extending.
4. Avoid the pitfalls.
  • Meddling in career/life decisions.
  • Being disrespectful.
  • Pretending that nothing has changed.  (You aren’t 16 any more.  You have sex with your girlfriend).
  • Being inauthentic/dishonest.
Parents: This is for your own good (when really you want them out so you can downsize).
Kids: I need to save money (when really I’m too terrified to strike out on my own).

Tips:  What do you do when adult children won’t leave?
 
1. Build foundation for conversation.
  • I love you.  I want you to be happy.  And I want to be happy.
  • It is time for you to move out on your own.  I am willing talk timing, but this is a firm decision.
  • Here is why I have made this decision.
2. Set expectations.
  • You need to find a place by _____.
  • I am willing to ________ (ie. help you look for a place; help you pack).
  • I am not willing to _________(ie. pay your rent; extend the timeline).
3. Navigate family dynamics.
  • Mixed messages (“Come here, go away”)
  • Guilt (I wasn’t there for her when she was young.  I can’t kick her out).
  • Grudges (You were never there for me when I was young).
  • Judgment (You can’t survive in the real world; I don’t support your life decisions.) 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

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