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The Marilyn Denis Show | Dating & Relationships | Adults Living at Home
Adults Living at Home
Why are more adults living at home?
The Economy:
- Jobs are harder to come by.
- Real estate is incredible expensive.
Parents:
- They “helicopter” and are more likely to be friends with their kids.
- They are more engaged in their children’s lives and so both parties want/need to have each other around.
What advice do you have on adults living at home?
1. Review the pros and cons of adult living at home.
- Does this make sense?
- Pros: Financial benefit; family time/safe space for child to explore.
- Cons: Could be constraining for parents and kids; potential tension.
2. Be clear on boundaries.
- What does the arrangement look like? (Because sparks can fly when boundaries aren’t clear on both sides.)
- Are you a “kid living in family home”? Or “a boarder”.
- Cleanliness of room.
- Household chores
- “Curfew”
- Expectations around Sunday dinner with Aunt Phyllis.
- Paying rent.
3. Agree on timing.
- How long is this going to work for everyone?
- Get out of arrangement before it becomes toxic.
- Don’t have it be an unclear period of time.
- Rather, set it for 6 months for example, then check in and consider extending.
4. Avoid the pitfalls.
- Meddling in career/life decisions.
- Being disrespectful.
- Pretending that nothing has changed. (You aren’t 16 any more. You have sex with your girlfriend).
- Being inauthentic/dishonest.
Parents: This is for your own good (when really you want them out so you can downsize).
Kids: I need to save money (when really I’m too terrified to strike out on my own).
Tips: What do you do when adult children won’t leave?
1. Build foundation for conversation.
- I love you. I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy.
- It is time for you to move out on your own. I am willing talk timing, but this is a firm decision.
- Here is why I have made this decision.
2. Set expectations.
- You need to find a place by _____.
- I am willing to ________ (ie. help you look for a place; help you pack).
- I am not willing to _________(ie. pay your rent; extend the timeline).
3. Navigate family dynamics.
- Mixed messages (“Come here, go away”)
- Guilt (I wasn’t there for her when she was young. I can’t kick her out).
- Grudges (You were never there for me when I was young).
- Judgment (You can’t survive in the real world; I don’t support your life decisions.)
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
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