The Truths and Myths About Sex
Q: Men desire sex more than women.
To put more accurately, men are more readily available and ready for sex on average, but once aroused and once foreplay is underway, women desire sex just as much as men. The process of getting to that DESIRE/need is just a different process for men and women.
Kissing/making out a lot prior to sex (aka - foreplay) will get both parties ready and willing, and both parties will definitely enjoy sex more (regardless of whether or not he was ready-to-go from the outset!) Remember, the more you “make out” before and during sex the more you will enjoy it! Men just need to “hold out” long enough to not forget to enjoy the foreplay (remember foreplay is not a job it is fun! The word play is even its root word!)
Q: Women turn down sex more than men
But again, this is not to be confused with a lack of desire for sex! There are a few reasons for this. When a woman says she is too tired for sex, she means it! Women are still doing more of the housework, and childcare on average, while working fulltime etc, and they have more difficulty turning off the arousal of the day or their brains from their hectic lives to get in the sex-zone, than do men. So, she may need a really good incentive to get up the strength, desire, and energy to have sex. Doesn’t mean she can’t or won’t get there, but she is likely legitimately tired! Also, if sex has become a little routine and “goal oriented” (getting to orgasm, then sleep), then a woman is likely to feel like sex is just another task on her to-do list. So it is up to both parties to make sex novel, fun, relaxing, and less-goal oriented.
Women need time for the “big picture” stresses of her life and day to fade away in order to be sex ready. This may take a bit of time or a lot of time. Did I lock the door, did I make my daughter’s lunch, is it 6:10 that I have to wake up to prepare presentation etc… This often means that her partner needs to “hold out” and work on relaxing and enjoying his partner for a while, perhaps a long before sex occurs. This time allows the “big picture” items to move out of her head and arousal to enter the picture. Start with a back rub, kissing, cuddling, playing around etc, and be patient with the process of how long it may take her to get in the sex zone.
Women also need to take some responsibility for reducing their daily stress and to-do’s arousal and make room for another kind of arousal. Take a hot bath, watch a romantic comedy or listen to soothing music. Try to relax and bring down your big picture arousal (which you need to do for sleep anyway), and try to see intimate time with your partner as another way to allow stresses to melt away.
Q: If a man turns down sex he isn’t attracted to his partner
Just like with women, there could be many reasons for why a man may not want sex.
The biggest sex organ is ….the brain! For both men and women. So, just as women may have a challenge reducing the stresses or thoughts of the day in order to get in the mood for sex, this can of course happen in men, too! As family roles are becoming more and more shared, both men and women have many things that can cloud sexual arousal. Depression, anxiety (general or around sex), stress, work frustrations, body fat increase/or body image, all can play into a desire or lack of desire for sex in men. In addition, there are many side effects to anti depressants, anti anxiety drugs, blood pressure meds etc, and changes in sexual arousal may be one of them. So very worth going to your doctor to discuss what physiological changes may be affecting your sex life.
Q: Women prefer longer sex
Try- To be less “goal” oriented or focused on things like how long you can last or how many times it happens in a week! Sex is definitely one of those things where its all about quality over quantity or length of time! If men get fixated on “lasting” anxiety and distraction is more likely to kick in, which translates to a lack of connection! Women are less concerned about how long one part of sex lasts, and are more concerned about what you do with all of the other parts of sex, too! Don’t let sex be all about the intercourse! It is supposed to be fun, varied, and with the ability to meet the needs of different genders and physiologies! So, go with the flow, stop stressing about the goal, the length of anything, or your “skills.” The more you stop stressing on the things that really don’t matter, them more you become distracted and miss the whole point. Focus on each other, focus on the moment and the feelings, and your partner. And, the whole thing changes!!!!
Guess what? More than 70 percent of women will never truly have an orgasm from “intercourse” alone! They need various other means of stimulation for that to happen! Our “parts” are mainly on the outside, not the inside (only the very inner portion of our insides have sexually arousing properties!) So, this means that a man can strictly go in and out for 45 minutes straight and nothing will happen but a sore woman! Lasting for 45 minutes straight doing the same motion over and over again, does not spell arousal for us. At all! It spells fatigue and soreness!
Also, try "the quickie" at unexpected times! It is a myth to assume that women don't like these! In fact, most women site having sex in morning on a weekend, or late in afternoon as the preferred times for sex over 11 pm at the end of day. So, try to schedule some quickies in during your week, you will be surprised at how satisfying at quickie, at the right time is, over a longer experience at 11pm when you are exhausted already!
Q: Men use sex to reconnect after an argument
Actually, women often need to feel a sense of connection both before and during sex- Connection with themselves, their partner, and with the life they share with their partner. Whereas men in committed relationships, use sex as a way of connecting to their partners. This is why women often won’t want to have sex if in an argument or if feeling her partner isn’t “getting her.” Men on the other hand, may want sex as a means to feeling connected with his spouse as another way of expressing his feelings. So men are not just animals only wanted sex for fun, they often use it as a means of expressing what they feel or the way they want to feel with their partner.
Remember the different ways men and women often use sex in their relationships and this will help you from assuming your man is just an unfeeling, sex machine the next time he wants to have sex after a fight. Its not because he doesn’t care about what upset you before, or that his feelings weren’t hurt also, it just means that he would like to use sex as a means of connecting with you once again or expressing his love.